: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
