Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
