just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
why is half of my head shaved?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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