I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
