Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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