According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Can you bring me the toilet please
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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