If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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