dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
