I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I AM VODKA MAN
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
