guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
