He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Alive.
So much puke
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize