I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
