Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
