Jerry, you need to find god
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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