i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
