hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
