i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The Olympian is in my bed
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
