Soap is not a condiment
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
