I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
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