OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
She's better-looking with the mask on.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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