ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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