There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
