do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
this boner is exhausting
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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