Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Randomize
