If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i will never coherently bang her
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
