Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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