we have pet lesbian snakes
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
