If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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