Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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