I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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