dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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