I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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