i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
