did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
This house was built for laser tag.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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