i don't like sucking hair
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
