Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
