Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
