we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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