I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
