and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize