Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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