Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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