I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize