i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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