Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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