But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
