I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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