Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
