I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
