I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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