My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just googled if crying burns calories
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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