Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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