Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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