You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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