She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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