This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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