I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
