Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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