It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
