"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
