Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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