She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
