i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
