yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
