I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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