Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
