On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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